I wonder if Jesus ever looked at his disciples when they were doubting and going astray, smiled, and thought to himself “they have no idea what they are about to do for my kingdom”.
And then I wonder if Jesus looks at me in my moments of sin and weakness, smiles, and thinks to himself “she has no idea what she is about to do for my kingdom”.
Spiritual Warfare. I used to hear this term and think it was overly religious. Basically total baloney. But let me tell you … I have experienced it to the extreme since we moved to Boone, NC. Getting settled here as been way more difficult than I anticipated. This may be a venting post … vomiting my struggles. But here goes …
I have felt super lonely these past few weeks. I can’t find a part-time job. We have one car. So I am home basically everyday all day with pretty much nothing to do. I have a negative view of where we live because of this … I am bitter, resentful, angry … many things that I hardly ever experience. The ministry is very different from the way it functioned in Ohio. I have barely any relationships with students, and feel disconnected from the bulk of the ministry. I totally broke down three nights ago because of all of this mess.
An entirely separate subject … finances. I know that Satan is attacking my sense of security through this issue. Puck’s job is technically “part-time” (not really), so he is not getting paid a whole lot at the moment. God has provided in small ways, so I know He’s got this in His hands. We found out two days ago that our insurance company dropped us because of “nonpayment” … which is a whole other story. But I spent about eight house crying, calling the insurance company (twice), calling Puck for some comfort, calling people for guidance on where to go, looking up different options online, trying to understand the language of insurance. I felt attacked to the greatest degree on Wednesday. I am physically and mentally drained from having to plan and focus on this. And …. I’m not supposed to stress, because of the small fact that I am pregnant.
The main purpose of this post, while I know it is full of complaint and possibly annoying venting, is for prayer. I know that God will win in the end, but right now it feels like I have way more to deal with than I can handle on my own. I need to let go of it all, lay it down, and step away.
Let go. Let go. Let go.
Something about being in the mountains, on a deck covered in rocking chairs makes you analyze and process where God has placed you. Here are some more thoughts on the subject:
1. Work on songwriting at least two days a week
2. Finish memorizing the book of Philippians
3. Search for ways to get involved in our new town
4. Connect with one student
5. Nest Nest NEST!
These past four-five months have been quite the whirlwind. My husband and I have gone from thinking we would live in Ohio for many years, to moving back home (NC) for an amazing job opportunity that God placed in our laps, to living in my parents’ basement for two months, to living in Boone, NC … one of the best places to live in the planet! I found out this summer that I am pregnant! We have new jobs, a new house, a new family member on the way, a new living environment, new roles … so many new things on the horizon! I have seen God constantly placing us in situations that require full adaptation and faith. I am very much a security person, so I am almost positive that God is stretching that within me.
This transition has been a little more difficult than I anticipated. Of course, I tend to idealize new scenarios (as if I have any idea of God’s plans). I know God will provide for this semester, but its been difficult searching for a new part-time job. I’m not sure what job will come or when … it’s hard to stay positive. I would only work for a few months, and then stay at home with the little one. :) God works all things out for our good.
I think I’ve also struggled with my new role as “campus minister’s wife”. It’s very different in the Bible Belt. To be completely honest, I really miss Ohio. I got used to the culture and lack of presence in the bulk of NE Ohio (and, therefore, the appreciation for relationship) so moving from that to the bible belt is quite the culture shock. I miss having close, strong relationships with students. I realize this will take time, and that it’s probably more healthy in bigger ministries for the campus minister to meet mainly with student leaders, but I got so used to meeting with everyone …. its been a difficult shift.
I’m determined to find ways to throw myself into the community of Boone. It can be very isolating to serve in ministry in general, but in a small college town, it magnifies that by about 100.
I know God is shaping and challenging me through this situation, and I am really excited to see where this leads and what God has in store for my husband, me, and our family. We’re just in the very beginning stages!
Let the adventures begin …